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And now....

Was up late last night reading my old journals.... And thinking how nice it was to have a place to go back to to re-live all those old feelings I used to have... dilemmas I used to be in.... what happened to friendships.... what used to be important to me back then. Its a trip.

And so. I've been going through some hard times lately. Grown-up, difficult, make-you-really-sad times and I'm thinking its time to journal those feelings too. So that when things are good again, I can look back and remember how badly I wanted things to work out.

My last entry was cracking me up. I'm so adult now. All those things I was talking about doing.... did them! Thats right, married just over two years now. Bought a house in Sandy right about the time we got married. Both working full time, balancing the budget, projects around the house... all that full-on grown-up stuff.

What we don't have yet: a baby. Yup, this would be the real-life-grown-up-tough-stuff I was alluding to earlier. We have been trying off and on for a baby since March of 2011, now it is October, and still no baby. In the grand scheme of things, we haven't been trying that long, but it feels like forever to me. They (doctors, etc) say that you shouldn't even really think that there is any kind of an issue unless you've been trying for more than a year consistently without success. However, that doesn't make it any easier.

Reading through this, I can't even count how many times I said (and how many entries focused) on the fact that all I want in life is to be a mom. And here it is, so so close! We are so ready! Money is good, jobs are stable, we have a 3 bedroom house with the future baby's room painted yellow. I have clothes I've been saving forever. I have cloth diapers. I even have swings and boucners, thanks to a friend that just had a baby. I have it all set, just don't have the baby yet!

It breaks my heart every month when I realize we aren't pregnant. It has just been getting worse and worse. Last month I cried for three days over it. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.... I had to pack up all my baby stuff in boxes and move it to the garage because I was getting so depressed just looking at it.

Its got to be the most frustrating feeling in the world. We waited to start trying until we had things together. We were responsible. We are stable and capable adults. And we want a baby and it isn't happening. Yet... people that already have 4 kids can pregnant. People that don't have money to support their children can get pregnant. 16 year olds can get pregnant. One night stands can get pregnant. But, I can't. At least, not yet. Every time I see someone who is pregnant, I can't help but feel insanely jealous. I just don't understand why God doesn't see it fit to give me a baby. I have a lot of blessings in life, indeed, and I so appreciate them. But, I would give them all up just to be able to be a mom.

This whole "planning a baby" thing is a trip. No one, NO ONE in my family has ever had a planned baby. We come from a long line of very young moms. I'm the oldest (by far) to not have had a baby for as many generations as I can remember. They all got pregnant without planning it. So, I have no one to turn to to talk about this. My mom is no help at all. My dad doesn't want to talk about it (and I doubt he would be helpful anyway).... I haven't told a lot of people we are trying because I was afraid it would take a long time (guess I was right) and I didn't want everyone to know about my personal struggles. My friend Jenni, who already has 2 kids that I ADORE, is the only one who is remotely helpful. But, she conceived her daughter on the first try, so even she doesn't really get it... My other friends are so far from this place that is isn't even funny. I feel so alone in this.

Matt is trying to keep it casual and upbeat. He says "it's gonna happen, so don't worry about it." There is some validation to that, especially because stress can affect your fertility... but it has just been so hard lately. Especially since we are approaching the time we would have been due if we had conceived when we started trying.... and the holidays... it's like waiting for a marriage proposal, only a million times more intense.

Hopefully though, I can get all these feelings out... Maybe writing them down will help validate them... I don't know. All I know, is maybe one day when the baby is keeping me up at 4am screaming and crying and pooping, I'll be able to read this and remember how badly I wanted it.

Housey house

I can't decide what I like listening to more.... the rain or the Format. I think its a tie.

Life is coming up on me fast. I'm getting married in September. The wedding plans are completely locked and loaded. It's all under control and we still have five months to sort out all the little stuff.

And now... we are going to buy a house. It's been decided. Right now the market is the best it will probably be in my lifetime. And all that saving we've been doing has been to get a house. And we have enough. And the bonus? In Sandy right now, we can get a house with 100% financing. Which means we don't even have to make a down payment. It'd just be silly not to do it.

This is way sooner than I EVER thought this would happen. It feels like I just woke up one day and stumbled in to being an adult. And so there I am.

The house thing sounds amazing. There are some brand new 4 bedroom, 2 bath homes. Everything we would need for own little family.... Which is scary, because a mortgage payment absolutely changes when this said family would occur. If you know me, you know that all I want to do with my life is be a wife and a mother and stay home and raise my children. As it stands now, Matt can pay all the bills with his job. Mine mostly boosts our savings account and covers all of our frivolous spending. So now, at this point, I could stay home with a child. Right now. It could work out just fine. But with the house, we'll need both incomes to support ourselves. And I'm just trying to reason with myself enough to be at peace with the uncertainty in which way the rest of life will go.

Welcome to being an adult, huh?

All growed up....

I think the true mark of being an adult is recognizing the issues you have in life and recognizing that you have to work on them... It hit me the other.... Holy Hell. I'm not perfect. I still have stuff in my life to sort out. Things that I never in a million years thought I'd be hitting on at the age of 22...

My sister and I have a lot of things to work out... or rather, I have a lot of feelings about her that I don't want to admit. All my life I have felt like I was in her shadow. Imagine what it's like to have people tell you all the time "wow, your sister is so pretty," and then in the next 2 sentences say "are you real sisters? You don't look anything alike." So fucked up is my self-esteem from having a sister like mine that to this day I cry every time she says something to me harshly. Still. And it makes me so mad that anything has a hold on me like that. Especially a sibling relationship. By this point I thought we'd be great friends. But it's hard.

And then all these feelings come into play when she is gone into to military away from our family and I finally feel like I can breathe. The last 8 months have been the first time in my life I felt like a daughter to my dad. And the first time in my life that I felt like my family really gave a fuck about what I was up to. And then this in turn spins me yet another way because now I've had half of my family telling me "Rach, it's your time now. The last 21 years were all about you sister, but now it's all about you." And I've had THIS so pounded into my head that when the attention gets turned back to her I take it twice as hard. Hence my last entry. (For the record, though, I met her new fiancee and was not impressed and more importantly no longer upset about their engagement.)

But now.... knowing that I have all this stuff to work out is one thing. Working it out is quite another. But what a strange feeling it is, taking a good look at yourself and saying "ah yes, THAT right there is something that needs some evaluation." Strange, strange, strange.

Why I'm all upset

So.
I got engaged in August. To Matt. Whom I've been dating for almost four years now. I went two full cycles of Christmas-New years-Valentines Day-birthday hoping for an engagement. The day before Matt asks me, my sister calls from Texas and tells me SHE'S getting married. To a guy she met at Boot Camp and has known 5 months. Matt had the ring. He had been planning it for a long time. So I was mad. When she came home to visit we had a family get together to celebrate OUR engagements. The happiest moment of my life I had to share with my sister.

And let me make one thing clear here. My sister treats me like shit. I can't remember a time when she was nice to me or good to me or didn't make me feel totally insignificant. Not ever. And she's always been the favorite. My family's time spare time was always spent on her and her activities. So the one time I get something of my very own for my family to be happy about.... she butts in.

The engagement didn't last. The guy was a jerk (or so she says). So she gets stationed in Nebraska and meets a new guy. Fresh off the engagement break-off. Two days ago my mom calls me to inform me that her and this new guy are now engaged. This guy that she's known seven months.

She has fucking gotten engaged TWICE in the time I've been planning my wedding. She CANNOT just let me have something and I am SO tired of it.

She hasn't told me yet. I think she's waiting until it gets back to so that I can call her all upset and look like the bad guy.

Theh whole thing is just so WRONG. I can't explain how robbed I feel.

But this ime I'm going to tell her all about it.

pages and pages and pages

Bored at my house the other day... I started to organize things in the dreded spare room... which at this point has everything we didn't know where to put thrown into it. (its a process...)

Anyway.... I found my old journals from high school. Do you realize how MUCH I wrote about my life? I have notebooks (more than one) FULL. And I had a diaryland. And livejournal....

Anyway, I've been typing them up. So that I can actually read what they say instead of focusing on the handwriting...

Wow. I never thought that I was that insecure in school... as I've been typing, I've rediscovered what it really felt like. All the typical stuff was in there... wanting to be with the popular kids... not having a clue about boys... the need to get good grades.... the funny thing is, I never thought I had a typical high school expierence. Guess I was wrong....

Strange....

One entry takes about 3 pages typed. Its a long process.

Devious Journal Entry


flowers
by ~lildevl on deviantART

these are the flowers im gettin when I get hitched!!!!

wedding....

wedding plans are going swimingly. I already have my perfect princess dress!

F....!...Cut out.....

I'm gonna stop going on my facebook and myspace... all they do is upset me lately....

I was watching Friends the other night... and it clicked. I don't know what I did to get cut out. Part of me thinks I had to do something, part of me thinks that nothing I could have done would warrant feeling like this. I dont know. I do know that it kills me that I can send out 2 messages.... one to a good friend (the BEST friend, really, I ever had) who I lost touch with shortly after high school, and one to a group of friends that I had stayed in touch with. Both were regarding getting together, and I heard back immediately from the long lost friend.... waited... waited... waited... nothing from the group. Still nothing. And I do know this. It fucking sucks. Even now. Four years later and it's still killing me.

F.

money money money

Made $170 today. 3 jobs can suck sometimes. I have one full-time job... one part time job, and one occasional job. Tires me out but the money is good!

plinkplinkplink

Wow... The piano lessons in the other room are really throwing off my train of thought. (Have I mentioned how much i dislike living here?)

My parents and grandma just got back from Texas the other day. They were there for my sisters graduation from Basic Training in for the Air Force. She seems to be doing really well. My mom said I wouldn't believe it... she is more respectful, on time, cleaner, etc. All the things, really that you would expect some time in the armed forces would lead to. Good for her. She needs some of that. Respect mostly. I feel a little bad, I didn't fly out to see the ceremony. I said it was because I couldn't take the time off work, but really it was because the last time she was home she treated me really poorly. That combined with the fact that it would cost me to go... It wasn't worth the money to me. Besides, she did have lots of people there to support her.

I can only hope that things are going to get better between us now. I never want to have two girls. Or, I never want to have two girls anywhere close in age. All it leads to is competition between them. Even if they are so different. My sister and I... she's always been the wild, pretty one and I've always been the smart, responsible one. And sometimes I want to be the pretty one. Sometimes she wants to be the responsible one. I get along more with my mom. She gets along more with my dad. It always leads to us competing. And that just strains the relationship. Since I'm older, I'm getting a lot of things in life first. Driving first, moving out first, living together with my boyfriend first... the things that naturally I should be doing first... but I get the feeling she feels like she's in my shadow a lot of the time (even though no one puts her there on purpose.) This Air Force thing is going to be great for her... she'll be able to shine in a way totally different from me, and I can't wait to see how things change with us.

Oh, and did I mention how proud I am of her :)

Love you, sis!